My Start to 2012
My start to 2012 was a bit of a roller coaster, which is why I haven’t posted in a while. After midnight on new years eve, I started talking with that guy I met at the bar on Christmas day. He told me about himself and there was lots of flirting. Then at 4am, yes I said 4am, the bar was closing. This guy offered to take me home. I being a bit intoxicated didn’t tell my older brother and sis-in-law that I had a ride home. I thought they were also leaving. The guy drove me home and we sat in my parents’ driveway making out, which is all that happened. We were stopped by my brother knocking on the window. He was worried about me. With that I got out of the car and headed into my parents’ house. My dad was pretty upset that no one can find me. but by morning all was forgiven. I am still in touch with that guy and hopefully will see him when I go back home.
Then a couple of weeks ago, some of my clothes were stolen from the laundry room. I think I know who did it but I can’t prove it. Still upset about it but that is nothing compared to what happened a couple days later, I got a call from my mom saying my uncle passed away suddenly. It was sudden as he was very healthy. I had just chatted with him the week earlier about my upcoming trip to Las Vegas for my birthday. I was going to spend the last day hanging with him and my cousins. We were both very excited about it. I was in shock when my mom told me the news, I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to believe it was true. He was a great man and will be dearly missed. We know though that he is making his way back to my aunt who passed away five years ago.
Last week my mom called me and told me that my oldest brother was taken to the hospital. They thought it was a heart attack but after testing they ruled that out. He does have something in his neck and back that is hereditary and they doctors are trying to talk him into back surgery. My brother is now back home which is great news.
Then my little brother got news that his ex, my nephew’s mother, went crazy at the hospital. It always worries us when this happens but everything is okay and my nephew is safe.
It has been a lot to handle but I am making it through and have some great friends.
Such a Great Holiday!
The new year is starting out with a bang for a lot of people, including myself. For me it is mostly because I had such a great holiday week.
In November, my dad called me to say that as mine and my mom’s Christmas present he was paying for my plane ticket back home for the holidays. Tickets were not cheap and I just couldn’t pay for it myself so I was very excited. We decided to keep it a surprise from the rest of the family. Which we did manage to do but my dad did tell my uncle the week before I got there, it must have been during happy hour.
The night before I left JS and I celebrated the holidays. It was a low-key night of staying in with Chinese food, gifts and watching movies. It was also the second time we have hung out since October when he told me we should just be friends. It was a good night.
I flew out on Christmas Eve and headed for the Midwest. My parents and my 9-year-old nephew came to the airport to pick me up. My nephew was surprised as he also didn’t know I was coming. We made our way to my older brother’s house for our family celebration. When we got there my younger brother was so excited to see me he was crying. Everyone was so shocked and excited to see me there especially since I threw them off the track the day before saying I would Skype with them again this year. The day was filled with kids, great food and my amazing family.
Christmas Day my parents and I headed to the bar to watch the Packer game. While we were there, I met someone who I saw again on New Years Eve (more about that later). New Years Eve my brothers and I went out with my parents, no little kids allowed. It was a great night and my parents were so happy to have their children together and go out with them.
More about the guy I met while back home in the next post…
Hope everyone had a great holiday!
No I Don’t Want to be Your Mistress
The final paper for my class has turned out to be a little tougher than I originally thought it would be. So I took another break last night to check my Plenty of Fish messages. There were a few from a couple of guys I had already been exchanging messages with. Then there was a new one, from a 43-year-old guy with no picture on his profile. I didn’t think this was a red flag, so I read the message from him. He started by giving me a physical description of himself, where he lives, what he does for a living and then says, “Married but no sex life (:”. The rest of the message is telling me he likes curvey (that is how he spelled it) girls and thinks I look hot in one of my pictures.
I then was curious what his profile said. The longest relationship he has been in was over 5 years, well obviously he is married. He lists his marital status as single and he has children. He also says that he wants to make a million dollars a year, loves to spoil people and loves giving massages. His physical description on his profile says he is caucasian but in the email he sent me he said he is mediterranean looking. I am open to dating other races but don’t lie about what you are. Be proud of who you are.
His profile is filled with lies. So I confronted him about it. I sent him a message saying I was confused because in his email he told me he is married but his profile says he is single and looking for a relationship. I also told him it sounds like he is just looking for fling.
His response, “I want to get to know somebody sexy, I am married and looking for somebody exciting”.
I sent him a message saying I think he is on the wrong site if he is looking for someone on the side. I also told him I am not interested in being someone’s mistress. I wished him luck in his search.
This guy really needs to be on Ashley Madison if he is looking for an affair. Doesn’t he realize he probably won’t find what he is looking for on a dating site. Who knows maybe he will find someone on POF that will indulge him. I won’t be that person.
The other OMG moment on POF is when I saw my psycho ex as someone they recommend I chat with. I looked at his profile to see if he was still trying to lure women in by telling them he is a doctor. He doesn’t come right out and say it but as his profession he lists, Business/Medical. Oh I am sure he is still telling girls he was an OB/GYN.
Back to studying for my final tonight!
Your Attempt at Flattery Didn’t Work
I have been deep into doing my final paper and studying for my final. I decided to take a break and check out my Plenty of Fish action. I emailed a couple of good-looking guys and one of them, a 29-year-old sent me a chat request. Normally I don’t like younger guys but I am being more open to it. Well this guy just turned me off from any younger guy.
After saying hi he asked what I like. When I asked him to clarify he asked if I like to make out. SERIOUSLY?? He didn’t even try to have any small talk with me, it was right away to the make out. I told him it seems like he is looking for just a hookup. He said, “I am looking for a best friend with benefit”. Sorry buddy but yes you are looking for a fuck buddy. Then I told him I am over friends with benefits. Then he said and I quote, “You haven’t had one like me. And I like older friends with benefits”.
Two things wrong with what he said. How does he know I haven’t had one like him? And I do I know he would even be worth my time? I am guessing if he has to tell me that he is really good, he probably isn’t. My psycho ex told me the same thing. And he wasn’t that great. (Why did I stay with him so long?) His next mistake was saying he likes older friends with benefits. Yes he is younger by six years but him saying that just didn’t sit right with me. He didn’t just say it once, he said it three times. I get it you like older women but when I say I am over having just friends with benefits, you aren’t making things better by reminding me that I am older. His attempt to tell me he likes older women didn’t work as he had planned.
Then when I closed the chat window he requested to chat with me again. I denied his request. He obviously didn’t catch on that I wasn’t going to be his ‘best friend with benefits’.
And people wonder why I am over dating.
Don’t Cancel on Me…
…unless you have a very, very good reason. After JS and I had the talk in March and he told me he thought of us as friends with benefits, he tried to cancel on me twice. One time he told me he got a text about a birthday party he ought to go to and wanted to know if we could go out the day before we had planned. He told me this two days before we were to go out. I told him I had plans, which I did. He ended up keeping the plans with me and not going to the birthday party. The second time, he told me he had been sick all day and was going to go home and rest. He texted me this at the time he was to be leaving work and heading to my place to pick me up. The worst part was we had been texting three hours prior to that and he never said anything about being sick.
Then there is today. We had originally planned to go to an event on Saturday. It was all planned and then Friday 
afternoon I got an email from the event planners saying they had to postpone the event until sometime next year, due to weather and power outages. There was no getting around it. I let JS know and suggested we do something else during that time. I threw out some suggestions and he said he should go into work but suggested we do one of my suggestions, bowling, on Sunday afternoon. He said he would come pick me up. I was looking forward to Sunday afternoon because not only has it been a while since we have done something on a Sunday but also because we haven’t been bowling since the second week of knowing each other. I got everything I needed to get done and was relaxing while watching football until I had to get ready. Two hours before he was to pick me up he texted me saying he got a text reminding him he had made prior plans to visit friends, apologized for being flaky and suggested going on Wednesday night.
My response, “I don’t know, I was looking forward to today and didn’t make any other plans.” Then I told him I couldn’t go that night because I have a long day the following day. Then he suggested tomorrow night or Tuesday night. I told him I didn’t know and would let him know later. He said, “K”. Still pissed I told him I couldn’t on Monday night and not sure about Tuesday night. (And yes I really do have plans Monday night.) Then I told him, “Just sucks because you suggested Sunday”. No response.
I am not really shocked there is no response from him. He doesn’t like the confrontation or arguing. The major confrontation we had was back in March and that really wasn’t much. It just turned into having the conversation. I never really said anything about the last time he canceled last-minute mostly because he was sick. This time I felt I needed to. I needed to because I wanted him to know it wasn’t cool to cancel last-minute but also because he is the one that suggested the day and now he is telling me he forgot he had other plans. Why didn’t he look at his calendar to make sure before suggesting the day? When our Saturday plans got canceled, I suggested Friday night or Sunday. He is the one that said Sunday and even picked the time. It wasn’t me. And honestly as of right now I don’t even feel like telling him Tuesday will be okay.
Was I wrong to say something?
Invisible
I have contemplated writing this post for a couple of months. The main reason for the hesitation is because it might upset some people. If you ask anyone that knows me, I am not a person that likes to upset others. But there is this feeling that hasn’t been going away and I have a feeling there are others who have felt the same way at some point.
It is the invisible feeling. That feeling you get when your friends get either a new job or new love interest. All of a sudden that friend doesn’t have as much time for you as they did before. You don’t say anything to your friend because you are happy for them. But then you start to feel like the friend who is just kept around when there is nothing else to do. I have confronted a friend about this in the past. When I told her she said, “I didn’t realize it and I’m so sorry”, and she was. We did hang out once after that. Since then she has been working full-time, going to school full-time and caring for her mother. We do still talk when we can.
Still there are other friends that might not realize that you feel this way and you don’t say anything because you don’t want to upset them. And you are truly happy for their new situation. When they do talk to you, they do listen and if there is a problem you are having they try to be there for you, but it just upsets you more. Mostly because you think they don’t truly understand what you are going through even though they say they do.
As a plus size girl you have these feelings of invisibility to overcome in friendships, dating and career. At work you feel like odd man out at social company functions. In dating, you feel like you are always overlooked by the decent guys. And in friendships you feel like the wingwoman. As a plus size girl in LA these feelings seem intensified because even non plus size girls feel this way at times too.
This just might be something I am going through but I do know I have good people in my life and good things are happening. And as the saying goes, “This too will pass”.
First Night In
JS and I never did meet for coffee because he ended up being busier at work than he thought he would, so we made plans for the following night.
The plan was for him to pick up food then come to my house and we would watch a movie. This would be our first night in since we had the “no more benefits” talk. I was a little nervous as how things would go. Would it be awkward? Would there big a weird hug when he came over? How late would he stay? Would there be an accidental touch?
He let me know when he got to my place and that he was in the building. I asked him if he remembered where my unit was because I was having a moment of writing inspiration. Soon there was a knock at my door and a jiggling of the door handle. I had forgotten to unlock the door. I let him in and said, “Sorry inspiration struck. And I figured you would understand”. And of course he did. As I finished writing what was trapped in my brain he was looking at some flyers I had picked up for him at a recent book fair I was at. When I was done I walked over to him and there was no hello hug like we used to when he would come over. Instead he started taking the food out of the bag and adding alcohol into our shakes.
We sat on the couch, ate and talked. Again the conversation was easy and he was sharing more about himself. We were busy catching up on things and occasionally looking to the tv to watch the promos for new movies coming out. As we watched them we discussed which ones looked better.
I put in a DVD and we sat on the couch just watching and laughing. I made sure I didn’t get to close to him. Not that I didn’t want to because again he looked really good. I did grab a blanket at one point and shared it with him. We still didn’t get too close.
After the DVD was over he got up, went to the bathroom and said he should go. I looked at my phone and it had only been a few hours but honestly I was tired and had to be up early the next day. I walked him out to his car and asked him what he meant by that message he had sent me a week earlier. (“I still find you just as attractive as always, just doesn’t feel right any longer to go for it. If you know what I mean, if not we can talk about it next week”.). His response, “You were being awkward”. I told him I wasn’t trying to be but he stuck to his response.
When we got to his car, we hugged an extra big hug again. I told him to let me know when he got home. He did and we sent messages back and forth for a bit more.
The first night in since the “talk” wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be, though there were a couple of moments as we were sitting on the couch.
Even though it was a good night, there are still a million different thoughts running through my head as to why things have changed. All of which continue to confuse me.
Still Processing
The Friday after JS got back from his trip we did go out to the movie we had talked about, The Rum Diary. I confirmed that he still wanted to go and I bought the tickets online. Since the time of the movie was earlier then we usually go, I told him I would meet him there rather than him picking me up. I knew it might be cutting it close if he came to pick me up after he was done with work. He got to the theater just a few minutes before I did and secured our seats at the bar.
When I got to the bar, JS gave me a big hug and squeezed me tight. He was happy to see me. While we were sitting at the bar he told me all about his trip including things about his family. Usually he doesn’t share that much with me about his trip. Soon it was time for us to go into the movie and since it was a 21+ showing we got a drink for inside the theater. During the movie, JS went and got us drinks two more times. Yes I was buzzing a little bit. I even got up during the movie to go to the bathroom, because well I couldn’t hold it anymore. I barely remember the walk to and from the bathroom.
We both liked the movie and decided to get some food. We decided to switch things up a bit and went to the Cheesecake Factory for appetizers. While we were there we had two appetizers and one drink, well he had a beer and I had a drink. Needless to say I was feeling pretty good. While we were there we talked about writing and movies, two of our favorite things. After we were done he paid the bill and we started walking to the car but not before I stopped at the Ben & Jerry’s store to get a pint. They didn’t have Schweddy Balls but I did discover a new flavor, Dublin Mudslide. We were joking the whole time. He drove me home, gave me a hug and even made these noises similar to what M does when we are together. It was strange because JS has never done that before.
Since we had a few drinks, I told him to let me know when he got home. After the time he should have been home I texted him because I still hadn’t heard from him. He told me there was some stuff going on at his place and forgot and apologized. Then I said, I don’t know if I should say this but you smelled and looked really good tonight. He made a comment about what I had said, then he said to me, “I still find you just as attractive as always, just doesn’t feel right any longer to go for it. If you know what I mean, if not we can talk about it next week”.
Um what? I went to bed that night very confused. If he still finds me attractive then why not sleep with me? Is he sleeping with someone else? Or does feel like he is using me and doesn’t like that? What does he mean, “It just doesn’t feel right any longer to go for it”?
On my way to an event the next morning, really feeling like Johnny Depp in The Rum Diary, I let him know I was confused. Nothing more has been said and we weren’t able to hang out this past week because our schedules didn’t match up right. For the past week I have been trying to process it all and figure it out.
We are meeting up for coffee this morning and I will be bringing it up.
The Struggles and Making New Goals
I wasn’t sure if I should write this post but figured many women could relate to what I am feeling and going through. Maybe even some men can relate.
In February, I will be celebrating a big birthday. It is not 30 or 40 but somewhere in between. My friends and even complete strangers tell me I look young, and I still get carded sometimes. JS and M both love that when we are out and I get carded. They love the fact that they are in their 40s and someone thinks they are out with a 20-something girl.
A few months before my birthday I usually start looking back on the year before and see what I have accomplished or what has happened. This past year has been difficult. I went into a sort of depression which I didn’t want to admit to but a doctor had asked me once “How long have you been depressed?”. It threw me off because I didn’t think I was but I was denying it. My business was suffering because of it. I had lost clients, one of them I was happy to lose, the others was were sad to lose. I had even considered moving back home.
Then I met JS and things started looking up. I also got a part time job in my building but was still struggling financially. Things have been very tight for me and I go without a lot of extras like many people are experiencing in America right now. The struggle to find a full-time or additional part-time job was getting to be so much, that I was calling mom crying a lot. And with my car dying this past March and having to rely on public transportation wasn’t making things easier.
Now it is October and I am no closer to a car. My part-time job just started me at full time and I got a dollar raise. It still isn’t a lot but will help me get caught up. I am also doing some writing on the side. It has been an extremely tough week for me especially since the stuff with JS just happening. I also have spent two days this week going to the doctor to find otu what is wrong with my arm.
The mixed emotions of this week especially has made it especially hard to think about my upcoming birthday Just trying to stay focused on school, work and the getting things ready for the upcoming NaNo.
Been listening to this song a lot lately.
Just Friends
This post is a hard one for me. I am still processing things but as all writers know it is good to write out your thoughts. Friday JS and I planned to go out and see a movie. I had been checking to see what the seat situation was looking like to see if we should wait to buy tickets or get them online. He said we should wait. My first thought was either he was going to cancel last-minute or he wanted to pay for them.
Then an hour later he sent me a message saying he wasn’t up for “benefits” anymore but would like to continue spending time together. He said he just hasn’t been feeling it lately and thought it would pass but it hasn’t. He also left it up to me whether or not I still wanted to go out that night. He said he still wanted to.
I decided I still wanted to go out and see him. I figured I would have a few hours to let out a few tears and make myself presentable. I did ask him if it was something I did or didn’t do, it was me personally, or someone or something else. I had already felt a little self-conscious lately so you can understand my reasoning of asking him that. He said there wasn’t much else to say other than if we continued with that part we would just be going through the motions.
In all honesty, I could tell something has been up lately. The last time he came over, there wasn’t much touching at all, though we did watch a pretty long movie. Another time he left after he dropped me off. I could tell something was up which is why at one point in the last month I did ask him if there was something he likes that I am not doing yet. I never did get an answer to that question.
We did go out Friday night and it was such a fun night. We talked about so much including things from our own high school and college days. It was things we hadn’t shared with each other yet and I learned even more about him. It was almost like we were meeting for the first time again. And while I offered to pay for things he didn’t let me. Then he drove me home, we hugged, exchanged a couple of quick kisses, said goodbye for the night and he drove off. He looked really good so it was hard for me not to hug or kiss him longer but I restrained myself.
I sent him a message later saying I know I have been through some ups and downs since we met and I appreciate him being there for me and maybe we could go see a certain movie when it comes out. He responded by saying he is glad he has helped and was looking forward to the movie.
He is away visiting his family and friends for a week. I think it is a good thing for me right now since we don’t really send messages to each other when one of us is gone and I am still trying to understand it.
It is hard for me right now because the thought of him finding benefits with someone else keeps creeping in my head and that is what sucks the most. I don’t even know if he has found someone else or is searching but I can’t get that thought out of my head. I didn’t really even think about that when we still had “benefits”, but now that thought won’t leave.
It took talking with a few friends after I got that first message from him to realize that he could have been a jerk about it all and told me he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore or just disappear. Both of happened to me in the past.
Instead he said he wants to continue spending time with me and enjoys it. He still wants to be a part of my life. And I would rather has him as a friend than not in my life at all.
