Don’t Blame the Victim

October 26, 2009 at 9:02 am (dating) (, , , , )

Occasionally I will be up late enough to catch the replay of Oprah. A recent replay had a story about 5 women that all had been with the same man and he gave all of them HIV as well as at least another 25 other women who were not on the show. The women described this man as a charmer, one who always told you the thing you wanted to hear. He preyed on  vulnerable women. All of the women on the show had re-entered the dating scene after having been married for 10 years or more. These women were just looking for a relationship after their divorce. Instead they got heartbreak and HIV.

One of the women in the audience said the women should have insisted on having him wear a condom during sex.  One of the victims who had been with the man for 4 years, said she believed she was in a trusting relationship and believed him when he told her they were exclusive. She also said she believed him that after he was at the doctor for other medical issues and had gotten tested for HIV, he told her he is HIV negative. She then said, “Don’t blame the victim, don’t blame the victim”.

I can understand why these women believed this guy. I was with a man a few years ago who was a charmer. Someone I believed when he told me we were exclusive. I believed him when he told me he was working. I believed him when he told me he was spending time with his family. I eventually found out he was cheating on me with at least 2 other women. I was devastated. The relationship soon ended. Did I have unprotected sex with him? Yes but only twice in the time we were together and it was right before I found out he was cheating. Was he spreading around STDs? Yes but I got lucky and had something that was easily curable.  Did he admit it was from him? No.

When you are with someone that is such a charmer you believe everything they are telling you. The problem is this person might be a sociopath. Someone who has no empathy and actually believes the lies he is telling. This person can be hard to spot and also hard to leave if you are in a relationship with you. They can also be hard to walk away from because they are a charmer.

So I understand what these women mean when they say “Don’t Blame the Victim”, because unless you have been with someone like that you don’t know.

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1 Comment

  1. sunnydelyte21 said,

    Wow..that’s crazy. And that is true..unless you’ve been there you can never understand.

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