The Awkward Night

April 27, 2012 at 8:45 am (dating, life) (, , , , )

The day before JS came over for dinner night in I asked him why someone that much younger. At first he said he hadn’t thought about it and asked me, “Why does it bother you for some reason?” Umm F*ck yes it does, is what I really wanted to say but instead I told him I was just curious and that I have another guy friend who is dating someone 12 years younger than himself (this is true). JS told me he hadn’t thought about it but he finds that 40-something women don’t want to date. I almost had to laugh when I got that message. What 40-something women is he talking to? Obviously not single ones. So I asked him if he meant more casual dating. Honestly that is what I was thinking he meant but he said, “Not necessarily, just in general”.  Then I said I am sure there are some and even older 30-somethings that do but as long as you are happy. After that I switched to talking about what time he was coming over the next day.

That Friday he came over and things were awkward. I didn’t notice it right away but as the night went on I did. It wasn’t anything he said or did, it was the fact he wasn’t saying much of anything. We had dinner, he took the plates into the kitchen and when we were ready for dessert, he plated it up and served it. We watched a movie and then watched one of the TV shows I have on DVD. He asked me about a couple of characters on the show and we even laughed a bit. There was one instance when his phone vibrated but he took it out of his pocket, turned it off and put it back in his pocket.  When he went to leave I gave him a hug like I usually do and he was weird about that. He even hesitated a bit before he walked out the door.

I thought about it more after he left and asked him if everything was okay because he was so quiet.An hour and a half later he finally responding he said he was okay but it is frustrating getting a question like that while he was on his way home and wouldn’t it be better to ask him that before he left or the next time I see him. I told him I wasn’t trying to frustrate him and I thought about it after he left. Then no response all weekend.

That Monday I asked him if he ever got a call about the item he lost when we went to the amusement park and also about the midnight showing of an upcoming movie. He told me he is pretty busy these days and if I wanted to make other plans that was okay. So I suggested going sometime over opening weekend and also asked him if actually meant he didn’t have time to go with me at all. He told me he would let me know but pretty sure the midnight showing was a no-go. Okay why didn’t he say that in the first place. Why all of the beating around the bush? Then I told him it was good I asked him that question on Friday because it sounds like I won’t see him for a while. No response. I was able to find someone to go with me for opening weekend of the movie and told JS that the next day. Again no response.

After talking with friends about it I got a few thoughts on what is going on: there is trouble in paradise with the new girl, he wanted to talk to me about something or he wanted to start something with me.

It has been close to two weeks of no communication.


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The Scare, Excitement and Disappointment

March 26, 2012 at 4:20 pm (dating, life) (, , , , , )

I realize that I haven’t posted since my birthday last month and a few things have happened since then.

School has been busy, my screenwriting class is exciting and we had to turn in our short outline/pitch for our screenplay idea. The idea is visually forming in my head which makes it exciting. I also met someone and we had two dates, even though after each one I was wondering if he liked me or not. I could be honest with him and found out he is just very shy.

Then the big scare happened. I was coming back from school and a quick run to Target and my chest started to hurt. I though maybe it was from carrying my backpack and shopping back or even heartburn. I spent the night relaxing and even had a healthy salad for dinner. The pain was not lessening at all and spread into my right armpit and neck. Now I was getting worried. I called the on-call nurse and she recommended I call 911. The paramedics came, ran some tests and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I decided it is better to be safe than sorry. I went in, they did lab work and x-rays but couldn’t find anything. I also went in for the fun treadmill stress test and everything there was good. Doctor has said everything was fine and just might have been stress or exhaustion.

I did get to see M before he possibly leaves for the next nine months. It was good to see him after the big scare because it made me feel even better.

Then that guy I went on two dates with, cancelled on me 45 minutes before we were supposed to meet up for our third date. He told me he just wasn’t feeling it and apologized. I made sure to tell him it was pretty crappy to cancel on me with such short notice and he should have said something sooner. He said he just wanted friendship. But I haven’t talked to him since and have no plans to.

The even bigger news is I will be having a new website coming soon. My graphic designer just finished my logo and it looks great.  Let me know what you think!

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Officially 35!

February 16, 2012 at 1:03 am (dating, life) (, , , , , , )

I have been having a hard time with this birthday. I told my friends I was going to be like Charlotte from Sex and the City and celebrate 34 again. I had a similar celebration like she did as my friends and I met up in Las Vegas last weekend. We stayed at the MGM, did a VIP Club Crawl, saw Frank Morino’s Divas of Las Vegas (which I highly recommend), ate great food, did some shopping and of course some gambling. I did win a little bit. I also got to see my cousin and her family before I left.

I guess the reason I have been having trouble is because I am not where I thought I would be at this age. I thought I would be in a long-term relationship. It has been especially hard because I have had many friends get married or have babies in the past three years. And everyone keeps saying, “Don’t worry it will happen when you least expect it”, honestly a line I am sick of hearing. It has been tough but good things have already been happening, and I have a great support system.

Today on my official birthday I can finally admit I am 35.

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My Start to 2012

January 23, 2012 at 4:24 pm (dating, life) (, , , , )

My start to 2012 was a bit of a roller coaster, which is why I haven’t posted in a while. After midnight on new years eve, I started talking with that guy I met at the bar on Christmas day. He told me about himself and there was lots of flirting. Then at 4am, yes I said 4am, the bar was closing. This guy offered to take me home. I being a bit intoxicated didn’t tell my older brother and sis-in-law that I had a ride home. I thought they were also leaving. The guy drove me home and we sat in my parents’ driveway making out, which is all that happened. We were stopped by my brother knocking on the window. He was worried about me. With that I got out of the car and headed into my parents’ house. My dad was pretty upset that no one can find me. but by morning all was forgiven. I am still in touch with that guy and hopefully will see him when I go back home.

Then a couple of weeks ago, some of my clothes were stolen from the laundry room. I think I know who did it but I can’t prove it. Still upset about it but that is nothing compared to what happened a couple days later, I got a call from my mom saying my uncle passed away suddenly. It was sudden as he was very healthy. I had just chatted with him the week earlier about my upcoming trip to Las Vegas for my birthday. I was going to spend the last day hanging with him and my cousins. We were both very excited about it. I was in shock when my mom told me the news, I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to believe it was true. He was a great man and will be dearly missed. We know though that he is making his way back to my aunt who passed away five years ago.

Last week my mom called me and told me that my oldest brother was taken to the hospital. They thought it was a heart attack but after testing they ruled that out. He does have something in his neck and back that is hereditary and they doctors are trying to talk him into back surgery. My brother is now back home which is great news.

Then my little brother got news that his ex, my nephew’s mother, went crazy at the hospital. It always worries us when this happens but everything is okay and my nephew is safe.

It has been a lot to handle but I am making it through and have some great friends.

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Such a Great Holiday!

January 4, 2012 at 9:26 pm (life) (, , , , , , )

The new year is starting out with a bang for a lot of people, including myself. For me it is mostly because I had such a great holiday week.

In November, my dad called me to say that as mine and my mom’s Christmas present he was paying for my plane ticket back home for the holidays. Tickets were not cheap and I just couldn’t pay for it myself so I was very excited. We decided to keep it a surprise from the rest of the family. Which we did manage to do but my dad did tell my uncle the week before I got there, it must have been during happy hour.

The night before I left JS and I celebrated the holidays. It was a low-key night of staying in with Chinese food, gifts and watching movies. It was also the second time we have hung out since October when he told me we should just be friends. It was a good night.

I flew out on Christmas Eve and headed for the Midwest. My parents and my 9-year-old nephew came to the airport to pick me up. My nephew was surprised as he also didn’t know I was coming. We made our way to my older brother’s house for our family celebration. When we got there my younger brother was so excited to see me he was crying. Everyone was so shocked and excited to see me there especially since I threw them off the track the day before saying I would Skype with them again this year. The day was filled with kids, great food and my amazing family.

Christmas Day my parents and I headed to the bar to watch the Packer game. While we were there, I met someone who I saw again on New Years Eve (more about that later). New Years Eve my brothers and I went out with my parents, no little kids allowed. It was a great night and my parents were so happy to have their children together and go out with them.

More about the guy I met while back home in the next post…

Hope everyone had a great holiday!

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November 29, 2011 at 9:31 pm (dating, life) (, , , , )

I have contemplated writing this post for a couple of months. The main reason for the hesitation is because it might upset some people. If you ask anyone that knows me, I am not a person that likes to upset others. But there is this feeling that hasn’t been going away and I have a feeling there are others who have felt the same way at some point.

It is the invisible feeling. That feeling you get when your friends get either a new job or new love interest. All of a sudden that friend doesn’t have as much time for you as they did before. You don’t say anything to your friend because you are happy for them. But then you start to feel like the friend who is just kept around when there is nothing else to do. I have confronted a friend about this in the past. When I told her she said, “I didn’t realize it and I’m so sorry”, and she was. We did hang out once after that. Since then she has been working full-time, going to school full-time and caring for her mother. We do still talk when we can.

Still there are other friends that might not realize that you feel this way and you don’t say anything because you don’t want to upset them. And you are truly happy for their new situation. When they do talk to you, they do listen and if there is a problem you are having they try to be there for you, but it just upsets you more. Mostly because you think they don’t truly understand what you are going through even though they say they do.

As a plus size girl you have these feelings of invisibility to overcome in friendships, dating and career. At work you feel like odd man out at social company functions. In dating, you feel like you are always overlooked by the decent guys. And in friendships you feel like the wingwoman. As a plus size girl in LA these feelings seem intensified because even non plus size girls feel this way at times too.

This just might be something I am going through but I do know I have good people in my life and good things are happening. And as the saying goes, “This too will pass”.


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The Struggles and Making New Goals

October 20, 2011 at 8:05 pm (dating, life) (, , , , , , )

I wasn’t sure if I should write this post but figured many women could relate to what I am feeling and going through. Maybe even some men can relate.

In February, I will be celebrating a big birthday. It is not 30 or 40 but somewhere in between.  My friends and even complete strangers tell me I look young, and I still  get carded sometimes. JS and M both love that when we are out and I get carded. They love the fact that they are in their 40s and someone thinks they are out with a 20-something girl.

A few months before my birthday I usually start looking back on the year before and see what I have accomplished or what has happened. This past year has been difficult. I went into a sort of depression which I didn’t want to admit to but a doctor had asked me once “How long have you been depressed?”. It threw me off because I didn’t think I was but I was denying it. My business was suffering because of it. I had lost clients, one of them I was happy to lose, the others was were sad to lose. I had even considered moving back home.

Then I met JS and things started looking up. I also got a part time job in my building but was still struggling financially. Things have been very tight for me and I go without a lot of extras like many people are experiencing in America right now. The struggle to find a full-time or additional part-time job was getting to be so much, that I was calling mom crying a lot. And with my car dying this past March and having to rely on public transportation wasn’t making things easier.

Now it is October and I am no closer to a car. My part-time job just started me at full time and I got a dollar raise. It still isn’t a lot but will help me get caught up. I am also doing some writing on the side. It has been an extremely tough week for me especially since the stuff with JS just happening. I also have spent two days this week going to the doctor to find otu what is wrong with my arm.

The mixed emotions of this week especially has made it especially hard to think about my upcoming birthday Just trying to stay focused on school, work and the getting things ready for the upcoming NaNo.

Been listening to this song a lot lately.

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Captain America and the ice cube

July 25, 2011 at 9:34 am (dating, entertainment, life) (, , )

I headed home for a few days last week. I went back for my nephew’s baptism and a friend’s wedding. It was great spending time with everyone and just getting away from it all for a bit.

A couple of days before I left JS and I went to see Horrible Bosses which was hilarious. So funny in fact that the whole theater was laughing. Then the day I was leaving JS sent me a text telling me to have a safe trip. I asked him if he had any requests of things to bring back and he just wanted a shirt. We planned to see each other for the opening night of Captain America. We are both fans of The Avengers movies so it was the perfect date. At the theater we had a couple of drinks and headed to the movie. The movie was amazing. And for those of you that aren’t familiar with any of the Avenger superhero movies, I recommend you stay and wait for the credits to end because you will see a trailer for the much-anticipated The Avengers movie coming out next May.

Once we got back to my place we both got a glass of water and started to kiss. I pulled my face away at one point because my hair was in my face and he said, “Hey get back here”. As we continued to make out we eventually moved towards my bed. I could tell that he missed me. Then I had to tell him that there wasn’t much I could do. (Yes my body decided that morning to play a cruel joke on me, it couldn’t wait a day.) He did make sure that he turned me on. He is very good with his hands and mouth. At one point he rolled over to his side and reached for his glass of water. I thought he was just going to take a drink but instead he took an ice-cube out and started rub it over my chest very slowly. Since my body was already super sensitive this was a huge turn on. In fact there were a few spots on my body that were extremely sensitive that night. He made sure he went very slowly with the ice-cube and rubbed it on every inch of my chest. After he had made sure I enjoyed myself, I made sure I took care of him.

We both ended the night with a smile on our face.

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Interesting sex experiences

June 16, 2011 at 12:35 am (dating, life) (, , , , , , )

I was recently asked by to write a guest post about an awkward and embarrassing sexual experience. Since living in LA I have had a couple of them. I chose to write about one I had with The Italian. Click below to read my guest post. I also love the image they included in the post.

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Guys have self esteem issues too

May 10, 2011 at 9:00 am (dating, life) (, , , )

“I spent the afternoon thinking about my friends. Body image depression, unpredictable mood swings, late night phone calls obsessing about a relationship. Did I mention these are my male friends?”- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

This quote by Carrie Bradshaw explains my guy friends. Don’t get me wrong I love them to death. They take good care of me. Like other day when I saw M. We went out for an early Cinco de Mayo celebration, our favorite holiday. He knew I would have to take the bus home so he said I could stay at the hotel and set me up with water, got me the wifi information so I could work and was a little upset that the restaurant didn’t give us plastic silverware with the leftovers so I could eat them for dinner.

The day my car died RC picked me up from my mechanic and even took me to dinner. JB listens and gives me advice when I am having guy problems. JS even bought dinner when we saw each other a couple of days after my car died and has been giving me advice for when I decide to buy another car.

But they all have moments of self esteem issues, some more than the others. They feel like they aren’t attractive, the girls don’t like them and that their career isn’t going they way it should be. I am there to remind them about how much they have accomplished and that girls do like them.

Ladies just remember that guys have self esteem issues too.

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