The Struggles and Making New Goals
I wasn’t sure if I should write this post but figured many women could relate to what I am feeling and going through. Maybe even some men can relate.
In February, I will be celebrating a big birthday. It is not 30 or 40 but somewhere in between. My friends and even complete strangers tell me I look young, and I still get carded sometimes. JS and M both love that when we are out and I get carded. They love the fact that they are in their 40s and someone thinks they are out with a 20-something girl.
A few months before my birthday I usually start looking back on the year before and see what I have accomplished or what has happened. This past year has been difficult. I went into a sort of depression which I didn’t want to admit to but a doctor had asked me once “How long have you been depressed?”. It threw me off because I didn’t think I was but I was denying it. My business was suffering because of it. I had lost clients, one of them I was happy to lose, the others was were sad to lose. I had even considered moving back home.
Then I met JS and things started looking up. I also got a part time job in my building but was still struggling financially. Things have been very tight for me and I go without a lot of extras like many people are experiencing in America right now. The struggle to find a full-time or additional part-time job was getting to be so much, that I was calling mom crying a lot. And with my car dying this past March and having to rely on public transportation wasn’t making things easier.
Now it is October and I am no closer to a car. My part-time job just started me at full time and I got a dollar raise. It still isn’t a lot but will help me get caught up. I am also doing some writing on the side. It has been an extremely tough week for me especially since the stuff with JS just happening. I also have spent two days this week going to the doctor to find otu what is wrong with my arm.
The mixed emotions of this week especially has made it especially hard to think about my upcoming birthday Just trying to stay focused on school, work and the getting things ready for the upcoming NaNo.
Been listening to this song a lot lately.
Just Friends
This post is a hard one for me. I am still processing things but as all writers know it is good to write out your thoughts. Friday JS and I planned to go out and see a movie. I had been checking to see what the seat situation was looking like to see if we should wait to buy tickets or get them online. He said we should wait. My first thought was either he was going to cancel last-minute or he wanted to pay for them.
Then an hour later he sent me a message saying he wasn’t up for “benefits” anymore but would like to continue spending time together. He said he just hasn’t been feeling it lately and thought it would pass but it hasn’t. He also left it up to me whether or not I still wanted to go out that night. He said he still wanted to.
I decided I still wanted to go out and see him. I figured I would have a few hours to let out a few tears and make myself presentable. I did ask him if it was something I did or didn’t do, it was me personally, or someone or something else. I had already felt a little self-conscious lately so you can understand my reasoning of asking him that. He said there wasn’t much else to say other than if we continued with that part we would just be going through the motions.
In all honesty, I could tell something has been up lately. The last time he came over, there wasn’t much touching at all, though we did watch a pretty long movie. Another time he left after he dropped me off. I could tell something was up which is why at one point in the last month I did ask him if there was something he likes that I am not doing yet. I never did get an answer to that question.
We did go out Friday night and it was such a fun night. We talked about so much including things from our own high school and college days. It was things we hadn’t shared with each other yet and I learned even more about him. It was almost like we were meeting for the first time again. And while I offered to pay for things he didn’t let me. Then he drove me home, we hugged, exchanged a couple of quick kisses, said goodbye for the night and he drove off. He looked really good so it was hard for me not to hug or kiss him longer but I restrained myself.
I sent him a message later saying I know I have been through some ups and downs since we met and I appreciate him being there for me and maybe we could go see a certain movie when it comes out. He responded by saying he is glad he has helped and was looking forward to the movie.
He is away visiting his family and friends for a week. I think it is a good thing for me right now since we don’t really send messages to each other when one of us is gone and I am still trying to understand it.
It is hard for me right now because the thought of him finding benefits with someone else keeps creeping in my head and that is what sucks the most. I don’t even know if he has found someone else or is searching but I can’t get that thought out of my head. I didn’t really even think about that when we still had “benefits”, but now that thought won’t leave.
It took talking with a few friends after I got that first message from him to realize that he could have been a jerk about it all and told me he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore or just disappear. Both of happened to me in the past.
Instead he said he wants to continue spending time with me and enjoys it. He still wants to be a part of my life. And I would rather has him as a friend than not in my life at all.
Am I asking too much?
I know I haven’t posted in a while. It seems like it is trend among us dating and relationship bloggers recently. We are all going through different changes in our personal lives right now. Must have to do with the change of the weather, but don’t worry we are all back to writing now. I did have a post in mind to write but then something today so I had to write this one.
It seems to be a trend I am hearing from my single and dating female friends, the guys they are dating don’t have respect for their time nor do they make much of an effort. I have a friend who has been dating someone exclusively for three months. She is a girl who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to express that. Since she is in school and working she has limited time but makes the effort. A few times when she has asked him to do something, he just says, “I can’t”, with no real reasoning for it.
I have been having a similar issue with JS lately. We have known each other for a year now, time has just gone by. And yes I remember the ‘incident’ in March and when he said he went into this with the ‘friends with benefits’ thought. But let’s be real, I see him once a week which is more than I have seen any other friends with benefits I have ever had. We also do more than just hookup, in fact the last two times we have seen each other there has been no sexual acts of any kind, we have just enjoyed each others’ company.
Well Monday I texted him if he wanted to do something Friday night (this has been our usual night since I started my Thursday night class started). He said maybe and that he needed to check his schedule. I had a feeling this might mean he had other plans but was hoping for the best. Then Wednesday at 5 I still hadn’t heard from him so I took matters in my own hands and texted him, I’m guessing Friday is a no go. It took him almost four hours to respond by saying, “How about next Thursday. Or are Thursdays out?”
WTF? Have we not been talking about my class for the past few weeks when we see each other. We just talked about it last week when we saw each other. And why did it take him FOUR hours to respond to me? I responded by reminding him that I have class on Thursdays. And still no response.
Why didn’t he say anything on Monday night or Tuesday letting me know he couldn’t do anything Friday? Instead I had to be the one to say something. Was he going to wait till Thursday to finally say something or just assume since I hadn’t heard anything from him that would mean he had plans? I mean my other guy friends have enough respect for me and my time to plan ahead. Even M with his crazy schedule can plan ahead and if something comes up for him, he lets me know right away.
I am starting to wonder why so many guys have such little respect for other people’s’ schedules and time. Is it too much to ask for a little communication and effort on their part?
And to pay tribute to Steve Jobs, a visionary man, a few quotes from his commencement address at Stanford in 2005 and yes I am writing this on my MacBook
You’ve got to find what you love and that is as true for work as it is for lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you’ve found it.
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
The Suprise Date
Usually when JS and I figure out a day to hang out suggestions are thrown out and we go from there.
I had suggested we go see Planet of the Apes the following week. He texted me back to let me know he was going on opening night with the boys. I was a lil bummed because I wanted to see it with him. So I told him that was my only suggestion and he needed to decide what we were going to do. He seemed excited by saying, I am the decider! We picked to go out that Friday. I asked him if I could be dressy or casual. He said let’s say casual. My first thought was we were going bowling. The last time we did that was in the first week we meet. I was pretty excited about it. That day came and he confirmed the time and asked if I wanted to know the plan or to stay in the dark? I told him I want to stay in the dark as he knows I like surprises and asked if I was okay to wear small heels. He said yes and let me know we weren’t doing anything particularly exotic or unfamiliar or at all athletic. Dress/skirt/jeans, all acceptable attire.
My thought then was dinner a movie because I knew if we were ordering in he would have asked me what I want to eat. He showed up right on time and I asked him are we leaving or staying. He said, “We can leave” and we headed to the Galleria. The Galleria is a type of mall with stores, restaurants and the movie theater. When we got there he said we have a lot of time and asked if I wanted to go eat at Townhouse, a restaurant we had been to a fe
w times before and love their drinks and food. We ate, took the leftovers to the car and headed back towards the movie theater. He said, “Well we are going to the Arclight to see a movie.” Once we got there we headed to the bar and ordered a drink. He then asked, “Do you want to know what the rest of the plan is?” I said “Sure”. He then told me we were going to the 21+ showing of Crazy Stupid Love. I was a little surprised he would want to see that movie. It has been getting great reviews so that might have been one of the reasons. (Oh and ladies another reason to see the movie is a very buff Ryan Gosling.)
We both laughed in the movie. He laughed so much his eyes were watering. After the movie we headed back to my place, where we had even more fun. We both feel asleep for a bit and then eventually he went back home. As he always does he texted me to let me know he got home safe. I texted back, “Had a really great time tonight” He responded, “Me too! Sweet dreams.”
And I did.
It was a HOT night!
This post is rated R. For those of you under the age of 18 or don’t like posts about sex, please look away.
It was a HOT night last night and I am not talking about the weather in Los Angeles.
JS came over last night and we had planed to have breakfast for dinner. I was going to make sausage and cheese omelettes and biscuits (the ones out of a can). I also decided to cut up some strawberries to put on the plate to make it fancy. I told him earlier in the day I was having a rough day and needed some mixers for the alcohol I had at home. And he did bring mixers, he went on a mini shopping spree at BevMo.
When he came over he asked about my rough day and then we decided on what drinks he was going to make. We decided on kamikazes and to make them a double. Once dinner was ready we decided to watch a movie, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which he hasn’t seen. Once we finished our first drinks, he made us another, this time it was 1.5 shots, still very good.
After the movie was over, we started making out. He eventually took my clothes off and was kissing all over my body as I straddled him on the couch. I eventually unbuttoned his shirt to expose his sexy chest. We were putting our hands in each 
other’s hair. Eventually we started making our way to the bed. He took his clothes and bent me over my bed and then crawled on my back and did things to me he has never done before. His mouth was all over my body. I had to grab a pillow to scream in so I wasn’t to loud to disturb the neighbors. Even when he kissed me it was different. He had this look in his eyes he hasn’t had before, and it was a good one. After he was done pleasing me he laid on his back and I started to return the favor.
Eventually I suggested the shower, something we both enjoy and we did. He even gave me a back massage in the shower. After our long, sexy shower we made our way back to the bed. He laid on his back and I took an ice-cube and started to rub it over his body. Then I continued to please him with my mouth. After he was pleased we cuddled next to each other and fell asleep for a bit. After we woke up we got dressed and he left. He let me know when he got home safe and I told him thank him for everything and I had an amazing time.
Last night I went to bed with a big smile on my face. And this morning I woke up with sore legs.
Mixed Signals
We have all experienced them. Either we are the ones giving them off or are receiving them. I have been guilty of giving them twice but I seem to have been on the receiving end a few more times than that.
Well recently it seems I am getting a few of them from JS. After we had the talk back in March I have been a little more distant with him. I am keeping myself busier and also not allowing him to change plans on me. It is not like he did it all the time before. It only happened once or twice for either being sick, or something came up. The being sick thing I can understand but changing plans last minute for something else is something I allowed to happen. A month ago he wanted to change our plans. Two days before we were supposed to go out he told me he found out about a bday party he should go to and wanted to change the night we go out. I told him I was busy the night he wanted to change it to. (And yes I really was.) So he told me he would tell everyone he already had plans and we went out on the night we originally planned. I don’t text him as much and when trying to plan a night to go out I only give him two options.
Since doing that he is even more attentive. He also has left a few items at my house, not clothes or anything like that but other things. The one day I was having a bad day he came over for a little bit even though we had seen each other earlier in the week. He came over just to cheer me up. I occasionally offer to pay for things, like we go to the movies, I will pay for the tickets and he will pay for dinner and concessions. When I do that he tells me he appreciates it. When he went to his alma mater a few weeks ago I asked him to get me a shirt from there and I would pay him back. He remembered to bring it over last night and I loved it. I asked him how much I owe him for it and he said, “Don’t worry about it” and I thanked him for it.
When I talk to my guy friends about this they suggest that possibly somewhere down the road things could be something more. I tell them of course I would like that to happen because I really do like him but since we had that talk in March I am just taking it one day at a time.
Done with Internet Dating
After everything going on in the past month, the car dying, JS telling me we are just friends with benefit and The EX visiting, I decided to get back into internet dating. Don’t get me wrong, the visit with The EX was good. It really gave me the kick in the butt I needed for my business. I also have been hanging out with JS from time to time, enjoying the conversation and well the company is good too.
In thinking about everything going on I decided to get back on Chemistry.com. This was a big mistake. Chemistry has been matching me with guys who are not looking for a 34 year old, curvy, divorced white girl who wants kids. I seriously got matched with guys who are looking for a girl no older than 25, some that are looking for an Asian or African-American woman, a woman that has never been married and girl who is slender. They have also been matching me with guys who have kids but don’t want to have more kids. I’m not really sure what Chemistry is looking at when they say they have matched me with a new member, because I don’t seem to be getting matched with anyone that is even looking for a girl like me. The whole process has gotten me even more frustrated with dating and I am over online dating.
Not sure if Chemistry.com would even be reading my blog, but seriously you need to look closer when matching people.
Let the fun begin!
In a lil over an hour the EX will be landing in Los Angeles. And because of events that happened last week, he will be taking a cab.
I decided that since JS and I are just ‘friends with benefits’, it would be okay that the EX stay with me. I also didn’t tell JS that the EX was coming at all, I just told him I am busy all week and he just thinks it has to do with my car situation.
Which gets me to why the EX is taking a cab. Last week, while driving to help a client with their event, my car died and on the freeway. Not fun. I was shaking and upset, naturally. The mechanic told me I could fix one of the parts that was busted and hope for the best. I had everyone praying, unfortunately that was not the issue and it would cost a lot to fix it. My car is older and it wasn’t worth it. So once again I find myself without car here in Los Angeles. I did it once before when I first moved out here, when I was living in Hollywood. Now I am in the Valley, a lil further away from some things but still able to get around. I am fortunate that I do live close to grocery stores, banks and the post office. Taking the bus hasn’t been horrible yet.
There was an upside to last week before the car died, M called. Yes last week I spent an afternoon with M. It was exactly what I needed after the whole JS situation. It is like M knows when I have been having a tough time. We met up like we usually do and again he made me laugh and forget about anything bad in my life.
The EX coming will cheer me up as well. He could make me laugh and we always have great talks. I am a little nervous because we haven’t seen each other in over five years. I am guessing we will have fun though.
Now to finish getting ready before the EX gets here. Don’t worry I will keep you all updated.
Another Friend with Benefits
Many of you might be wondering what happened Friday night with JS and if you read the title of this post, you already know.
I suggested we meet up at a coffee place by his work and he responded, “I got the impression you wanted to meet on neutral ground”. From that response, I was optimistic. When we saw each other he came up to me and gave me a quick kiss, we then found a place to sit and had small talk. I think he knew I was nervous about this conversation. Then he brought it up, “So flirting with a bartender?” I told him it wasn’t so much that but the fact that he was disappointed she brought up having a boyfriend. He said that is a normal response when you are flirting, and he was just telling me about his day. Then he quickly realized that telling me about that part of his day was probably not a good idea, apologized and said he should have edited that part out. He did ask me why I didn’t say something about it right away. I told him that in the past I have put up with things I shouldn’t have in the past and speaking up about things like that is new for me. I also told him I was having fun and didn’t want to ruin that. He seemed to understand.
Then he said the words I was hoping not to hear, “Friends with Benefits”. It stung even though I went there expecting things to go either way. He did keep saying he doesn’t want to do anything that will hurt or disappoint me, meaning he does care about me. He also said he really enjoys the time we spend together. After that conversation was over, he asked what I was up to the rest of the night and weekend and I asked him the same. We talked a bit more then he asked if we should head out. I suggested going somewhere to eat. He did try to joke and said we should probably not go to the bar/restaurant where that bartender works as she might be working. I just laughed and said probably not a good idea. We went to a nice wine restaurant he had been to before. The food, drinks, and conversation was good even though I was quiet at times. When the check came I pulled out my wallet and he suggest we split the bill. He did say he was going to put the tip on his check.
He walked me back to my car and kissed me for a bit before saying goodbye.
As you might have guessed, I called my mom and told her what happened. As I was pulling into my building, I just lost it. Mom stayed on the phone with me and tried to calm me down. It was a rough night and I even got sick. A big part of it was trying to understand why I constantly the friend with benefits and not the girlfriend. I texted JB to tell him what happened and he told me I need to focus on me and my career. I did lash out at JB a little bit and said that he is also someone that doesn’t want me as a girlfriend. I quickly apologized for being pissy and he said he understands.
Its been a quiet relaxing weekend for me and my friends have been great in making me feel better and making sure I am okay. While getting some things for a client’s party on Tuesday, I picked up something for myself, a great pair of Steve Maddens.
Now like my mom said, “You have to decide what you want to do”. I’m still trying to figure that out.
Plus Size Girl Dating 